Thursday, March 25, 2010

Annnnnd Action!

I wanna see a movie with a cute boy. In the theatres. I wanna see something scary or something funny. I want to sit in the very back row and lock arms, with my head on his shoulder and my hands in his lap. We'll steal a glance (or maybe a kiss!) when we laugh at the same thing, or I'll have to bury my face in his chest if it gets too scary.

I'll make the dumb joke that my dad used to always make when we saw movies together: "Did you hear the weather forecast? They said it was going to rain!" Then I throw popcorn up in the air and laugh as it falls down like "rain" while my date looks at me like he can't decide if I'm mildly disabled, or if I'm the cutest thing he's ever seen.

The last time I saw a scary movie with a boyfriend was when we went to go see Michael Clayton. We made it through like 15 minutes of the movie before the heavy petting started bordering on obscene, so we took off. Michael Clayton is a horror film, right? Or is it a comedy? I wouldn't even know! And every time I've tried to watch it since, I can only think about the things we did in the theatre rather than watching the film and my focus is instantly shifted to something much more naughty than the film itself.

Yes, I want to do something like that again.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Spring Cleaning Objectives

-Clean room. Not just like..dust and polish. I mean I'm throwing some major shit out. Garage sale? Who wants to buy my old junk. Nobody. I've always been jealous of those people that have almost nothing personal in their homes. Sure, I also thought they seemed like they lacked a soul for not having any sort of memoribilia or trinkets from the past, but whatevs. At least they look organized. Once I've gotten rid of the crap that's suffocating me in my room, I'm going to completely rearrange it. I'm gonna need help with the heavy stuff, so I'll let you know when to come over.

-Clean closet. Similar to the last one, only this time I'm gonna toss all of the clothes that I haven't worn in the last 6 months. If I lived in a city that actually experienced seasons, then maybe I'd give the sweaters a chance and toss out everything I haven't worn in the past year, but I don't. It's always about the same here, so if I haven't worn it in the last 6 months, it's Goodwill-bound.

-Clean up my act. Been much better about exercising more regularly, but I need to step it up a notch. I've gotta start being one of those people that wakes up super early and works out BEFORE work. Yuck. I'm gonna hate it, but it has to be done. I also need to bring my lunch to work every single day, and cook my dinner every night. Weekends are negotiable. Also, I started taking classes that Richard Simmons teaches at his gym and I am 100% obsessed. I'd go every day if I could afford it. I also desperately wish I were a gay  man now so that I could date Richard. He's that awesome.

-Clean up my heart. I've been really good about keeping the men away since my last messy incident, but I let a stupid one (See: Reset) break the barrier a couple of weeks ago. I swear, just a little attention from a man and all I can think about is making out for weeks. I need to get back into focus and concentrate on everything but love and sex. Like working out with my new best friend Richard Simmons, for instance.

-Clean up my finances. I had zero debt until last year, but I got all of this dental work done and I  still owe my dentist another like...$8000. And then my adorable accountant somehow fucked me over with the IRS to the point where the only thing I can do is just pay them, and that's another $6500. So instead of buying that sparkly blush from Sephora that I've been coveting since the 90s -- the one that I always forget to buy it until I have no money -- I have to save my stupid money so I can pay off "the man." The "men," actually.

I think that's good enough for now. If you can think of anything else, let me know.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Coors Light Wishes & Karaoke Dreams

If I had a decent voice, or if I didn't have a performance-crippling fear of singing to a bunch of faces that are staring at me blankly, and if I had at least 4 beers in my system...I would totally sing the song "Hot Child In The City" by Nick Gilder. If they didn't have that song available, I'd sing "The Warrior" by Scandal, and I would hope that my current love interest was in the audience so I could do the little "Bang! Bang!" signal directly to him, followed by a wink.

But I don't have a decent voice, and I'm too terrified to relax on stage and instead of singing anything awesome, I always end up crackling out a shitty, forgettable rendition of something safe like "Daydream Believer."

One of these days I'll grow a pair and actually attempt to nail one of my karaoke fantasies. Until then, I am sticking to the AM Gold classics.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bus boy.

Phew, thank god. There's a new hot guy on my bus. I can't tell if he's really hot, or if he's just the most suitable candidate on the bus, though. He's like a super tall Mexican Fonzie, complete with pompadour and leather jacket. Also, I'm pretty sure he's like 19 years old. I know, sounds sorta disasterous --- but there's something to be said for a man (boy) that wakes up early in the morning to comb his hair into an old timey coif.

Sunday, March 7, 2010


Thought it would be a good idea to go home with one of my roommate's friends last night, only to arrive at his place while a girl was breaking into his apartment through the screen window.  Once inside, she proceeded to book it to the bedroom, where she immediately took her pants off and insisted that she would leave once she was warm.

Yes. The guy I went home with knew her, and yes, there was probably some truth to the insane story she was spewing about how he had been texting her all night with invitations of sandwiches (not sure if it was a euphemism or not) and sex.

Needless to say, I bounced.

Fuck. My. Life.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Faux Bus Love

The bus ride to work is long and boring, so I decided to have a crush on a few of the regular commuters that share the same route as me. They aren't real crushes, I've just picked out the most acceptable dudes on the bus and put them in order of my liking for time-killing purposes.

In first place there's the smoking hot spanish dude that wears shiny shoes and is studying to be an actor (yuck!) at the film school on the 5th floor of my building. He's a super hunk and is always reading spanish newspapers, but I'm willing to bet he's already got a pretty foxy girlfriend. No way is this guy single.

Then there's the dude that looks 100% european as well, and I always assumed that he was part of the same international film school as the smoking spanish dude. He looks more on the Scandinavian side. And, while I DO happen to collect Scandinavians, lighter-skinned dudes aren't really my first choice - - - but if you saw what I had to choose from on the bus, you'd put him in second place, too. Thing about this guy is that I would only have a chance with him if he actually were, in fact, european. If he's american, he's juuust rock and roll enough that some Silverlake hipster chick would be all over him in a heartbeat - - I lack the whole "hip" factor, so that puts me out of the game.

And the third guy is really just an alternate, but I threw him in because I always like to lump things into groups of threes. He's no feast for the eyes, that's for sure, but there's a nerdy quality about him that makes me think that he could possibly have potential in the personality department. Eh, but he seriously needs to shave the inch-long spotty red patches of hair from his face and change out of the non-ironic Member's Only jacket before I give it any more consideration.

Ok, so those are the key players. They are never all on the bus at the same time, and NEVER have any of them sat next to me. I always leave the space next to me open on the bus that we share in hopes that one of them will plop themselves down, and still. Nothing.

So last night I get on the bus and it's like a fucking party exploded in there. ALL THREE DUDES were on the bus, and TWO of them were talking to each other. The spanish dude had his nose shoved into one of his sexy periodicals, naturally. The two that were chatting were Second Place and Third Place, as I call them.

After hearing the two of them speak for 30 seconds, my Final 3 was instantly whittled down to just one: The hot spanish dude.

Dude. Second Place not only isn't european as I had originally fantasized, but he also has a maaaaaajor speech impediment - - - which I normally wouldn't be so cruel about in the real world, but this dude is just a bus fantasy, so I'm pulling the plug. Third Place, the ugly one, has the most obnoxious stoner laugh I've ever heard, and the very thought of his next bout of laughter made me move to the back of the bus, so...I nexted his ass, too.

And there you have it! The only guy I have left on my list of dudes to fake-fall-in-love-with on the bus is the hot spanish dude with his shiny, shiny shoes. Olé! Yep. I said it. How productive was that bus ride?!?