Monday, April 26, 2010

Batter Up

I went to the Angels vs. Yankees yesterday with a bunch of ladies and the Infamous Mark Roden. Baseball is one of the only sports I actually understand most of the rules to, so it's actually a good time for me. Really, though, going to baseball games is all about cramming your face full of grotesque amounts of sodium and washing it down with good ol' American beer. Oh, and it's about the boys. Those dreamy baseball players! Yowza!

I fell in love with a little Puerto Rican slice of heaven called Jorge Posada. Unfortunately, he was playing for the wrong team, but every time he came up to bat, I suddenly became an avid Yankees fan.  I'm serious, he's ridiculously handsome:

 Holy smokes!

The ladies and I discussed this, and my opinion was not the favorite, but I personally believe that baseball players are the sexiest of all athletes.

Any athlete is going to be gross if you take more than a 2-second look at what they're all about, but it seems like the only big issue with baseball players is that 90% of them are pumped full of steroids. Apparently steroids make your weenie majorly tiny, but I'm never going to get anywhere close to a professional athletes' weenie, so that doesn't concern me.  And sure, the steroids make some of them beat their wives, but if I'm not even gonna get the chance to see their weenie, I'm sure as hell not gonna get one to marry there's nothing to worry about.

But let's consider the alternatives:

Football players are enormous, meat-scented (they have to be, right?) date rape machines, hockey players are equally enormous but lack the mental ability to even come up with a scheme as complicated as date rape, golfers are either 85 years old or serial adulterers, and let's not even get started on basketball players.

Tennis is for nancy boys, swimmers have enormous bat wings, and anyone that participates in extreme sports as a profession is an equally extreme asshole. As my friend Bowman once perfectly articulated: "Bam Margera seems like his life is made up of three components: Blowjobs, Cool Ranch Doritos and dutch ovens."

Thus, baseball players seem to be taking the lead with their slight steroid issues as the sexiest professional athletes.

 Think about it. I'm right, aren't I?



Becky said...

I really like this blog, and though I lust after anyone in a sports uniform, generally, the idea of attempting to have a relationship with any of them sounds like self torture.

Anonymous said...

I like the thought, but here's my take:

Growing up in Texas, majority of my middle school and high school I played football and basketball (yes, I know ME. For the record, growing up in texas you HAVE to play football or you suck...or are a baseball player..getting to that)

Given the thickheaded nature of most football players, all around most are good guys that love their mama and cry if their girlfriends yell at them. They're like the big lovable oafs in cartoons that have no idea how big they are, but that they can pick up fallen trees if need be with no effort.

Basketball players were the pranksters, the jokesters, the weed smokers. Most on the team were hilarious in a completely sophmoric kind of way, and to be honest with you, I get the feeling they still are and haven't changed much - like when I see Allen Iverson or even Shaq. Suuuuch an idiot. Funny, but idiot and even at 44, has yet to mature.

Now Baseball players, these were the ultimate cocky dbags. They RARELY were funny and they posed as athletes minus the sweat. Seriously? You sit in a "dugout" away from the sun for half of an inning eating snacks and spitting? Give me a fucking break. And when they are "playing" they are standing there (still spitting) waiting for something to happen. It's bullshit. And they were the COCKIEST of them all. Now, take all that info and now combine that with the douchiness to do STEROIDS. Get. The. Fuck. Outta. HERE.

Now if you want a solid athlete that isn't thuggy or a big bull, why not take the Soccer Player? He is multi-cultural (so you can take your pic of brownies) AND he is actually an athlete. Get this: He doesn't even have to take steroids!

Fuck baseball players. I hate when chicks say they like them. Be honest, you like the fucking uniforms

articulicious said...

Oh, I 100% like the uniforms. That's the only reason I DO like them. And soccer players are just fine with me, as long as they are taller than 5 foot 2, which is rare.

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