One of my first online dating experiences was with this teacher guy named Julian. He seemed sort of boring, but I figured I had to get over my fear of meeting these people in person, so I decided I'd practice on him. We spoke on the phone before we met up, and I should have noticed the red flag then, but I figured he was just nervously talking about himself nonstop because it was our first time chatting. He seemed nice enough, though, and safe. We agree to meet at this little bar in Koreatown the following week.
Dude shows up 45 minutes late and is totally unapologetic about it. He immediately launches into this tirade about how terrible his ex-girlfriend was, and about how she is desperate to be with him. "She was a gymnast, you know, and having sex with gymnasts is extra fun because they are super bendy. You're no gymnast, though...you're statuesque. (...) Oh, but she's a dumb bitch because she's dating this bald male nurse instead of me and she's also clearly not very smart because she hasn't realized that her new boyfriend is gay because all male nurses are obviously gay." This is the shit that was coming out of his mouth. I'm also pretty sure he worked in some sort of racist comments about our Korean cocktail waitress, too, but he passed it off as being acceptable since he teaches English as a second language. What?!? This dude was lame. I was mostly pissed because I never even got a chance to say anything, and I felt like I was ripped off by the whole experience. I certainly didn't get better at dating by holding my tongue for hour-long increments.
I obviously decided that I didn't want to see this guy again, and I almost wrote the entire experience off as a waste, but there was one little detail that made the story worth retelling. Adam Brody (from The O.C.) was also on an awkward date at the table sitting across from me. Every time I glanced over it looked like he was sitting in the wake of a terrible joke he had just told, fumbling to bring things back to good. He was bombing. We exchanged empathetic glances a few times, and I almost wanted to just walk up to him and suggest that we ditch our dates and take off to do something way more interesting than what each of us hand been enduring for the past god-knows-how-long. Obviously I couldn't do anything of the sort, it's AdamfuckingBrody, so I just ended the night and walked away from Julian with a sense of disappointment. But, never to be defeated, I updated my Facebook status on the ride home to: "Lindsay just went on a date with Adam Brody." It's not entirely untrue.