Monday, January 25, 2010

There goes another one...

Ok, so here's what happened with the Sundate from last week... (*sigh*)

First of all, let me preface this by the fact that, leading up to the date, this dude and I were communicating all day long - whether it be via text, chat or missed phone calls - for 5 straight days. A little intense for someone you haven't met in person? Perhaps. But it was exciting and we had a lot to talk about.

So anyway, we were set to have a lunch date at this little empanada place about 1/3 mile from my house. Dude meets me at my door (10 minutes early, impressive) and we walk to the little restaurant to start our date. Like any first date, it took a little bit of time to warm up, but we seemed to be doing alright for the most part. I only ordered one empanada when we got there because I was too nervous to concentrate on clearing my plate, so I figured I should keep it to a minimum. I was soooo broke on that day, and I was desperate to drink a Diet Coke, but I somehow forgot to order one. Bummers.

The conversation goes alright and we both end up sharing a whole bunch about ourselves - sometimes maybe too much? - and then it's time to walk back to my place. Mother nature is a bitch and she's always had it out for me, so while we were in the restaurant it started raining. Not cats and dogs, by any means, but enough to be annoying and fuck up my hair on the walk home. The shirt I was wearing was sort of this lacework deal that left a lot of my shoulders exposed to the cold, rainy weather. The dude, either being chivalrous or just plain old polite, put his arm around my shoulder as we walked the rest of the way. I went into full neurotic mode and, in my head, frantically tried to figure out if this arm-around-the-shoulder thing was anything I should be taking seriously. It's not like he was fingering me or anything. We get to my door and I completely make it awkward and weird and I think I even turned my face when he went in for a kiss. I have no idea how to react anymore.

- This past year has been so full of manipulations and mindfucks that I honestly can't tell what anyone's intentions are unless they straight-up say it to my face, and even then I'm not convinced - the darling comedian had no problem saying things to my face but not actually meaning a single word. -

Anyhow, I made it weird and he said he wanted to see me again and that he'd call me and I basically just stuttered out some words that sounded somewhat like "goodbye" and ran back into my house. Feeling bad (and confused) about what happened, I sent him a text* apologizing for making things awkward and he texted back right away, not seeming terribly bothered. I went to bed that night feeling like it may have been a success. It wasn't blow-you-out-of-the-water chemistry, but there was enough there to make me curious for a little more.

The next day I didn't hear a single thing from him. He wasn't online. He didn't text me like he had every day for the 5 days prior to our date. That's when the insecurities started setting in. The dynamic had shifted, and I took it as rejection. I mean, that's exactly what has happened with the other douchebags that weren't interested in me in the past, for chrissake. I started flipping out a little bit that day, but decided I'd see what happened the next day.

I got to work and signed online and he was signed on** as well, but it took him like 5 hours to say anything to me. But then we started sort of chatting about casual things like the weather and work, and it seemed like he was just busy. He had apologized for not being around the day before - something about playing video games in his pajamas all day long and disconnecting from the world entirely - so I started to think that maybe I had prematurely decided I was being rejected.

Feeling a little better about the situation, I sent him a link to an art exhibit that I thought he would like and asked if he was interested. His response was "this looks pretty rad." Not...really answering my question, bro. Did that mean he was interested in going with me? Or just that he was interested in the exhibit? Insecurities started to set back in. I felt like he was just trying to be polite by not completely blowing me off right away.

For the record, I still haven't figured out what I dislike more: being completely blown off immediately, or the long, drawn-out polite process of being slowly disregarded. Both are pretty awful.

...this is when it gets bad. The next day he was M.I.A. again. He wasn't online - he was always online before - he didn't text me. By this point I was pretty sure he was either dead, or I was being fucking disregarded by another one, and while I certainly don't wish for anyone's untimely demise, the thought of being blown off AGAIN made me want to I didn't know which scenario I actually preferred.

Then (!) I noticed on my Facebook*** that he had deleted me as a friend...or so it seemed. When I clicked on his profile, it said his profile was private and that I had to add him as a friend in order to see any info about him. You know what I'm talking about. I lost it. I was so pissed off. Why the FUCK would he be such a fucking child and delete me on Facebook rather than just growing a pair of fucking nuts and being like "hey, I'm not into you." At this point I was livid, and I was sick of this fucking routine, so I prematurely wrote a "fuck you for blocking me from the internet, you jerk" email (I KNOW. I KNOW. NOT A GOOD IDEA) and fired it off without thinking about anything and just hopped on the bus and seethed the entire way home.

It was done! Fuck that guy. The only thing left was to live in fear of my inbox for the next 24 hours in case he decided to follow up with a nasty retort. But, to my horror, when I arrived home I signed back into my Facebook and I realized that he had NOT, in fact, blocked me. I don't know what the fuck was up with the internet that day, because earlier that afternoon he had clearly deleted me, but now he was magically back in my arsenal of internet friends. Whoopsie. I...definitely overreacted.

At this point, I knew that I ruined whatever existed between the two of us by sending that email. But then I thought that if he didn't understand why I was upset or my anxieties about his unexpected disappearance, then he wasn't a dude I wanted to waste my time on anyway. Still, though. How embarrassing.

Mortified, I sat and waited for the email response, which came to me about 5 hours after I sent the initial scathing email. His response was infuriating. He basically said that he did like me, but my overreaction was too much. Nay. To quote him: "even the slightest disappearance on my part elicited a bunny boiler for the save file." HE FUCKING LIKENED ME TO GLENN CLOSE IN FATAL FUCKING ATTRACTION. YES, I should not have flipped out and sent that email, but how the FUCK does that make me a psychotic animal killer? The only thing BOILING was my goddamn blood at that point. But what could I do? Anything more on my end would only prove him right. So I swiftly apologized and let the whole thing go. Done.

I deleted my online dating profile a minute after I got his response. Fuck this dating thing. I'm not good at it.

*Texting is the worst.
**When did people stop calling each other?
***Also, fuck Facebook.


Ewa M. said...

aman woman. aman.

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